remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
