to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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