You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
