Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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