he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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