I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
