i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
