Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
