Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
