i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
