I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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