I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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