I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
