if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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