The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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