it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
