I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
