Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
