I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
