Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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