no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we're making bets on your personal life
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
