nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
