If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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