new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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