what day is it and did you see me today?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
