I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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