If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
