When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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