I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
