I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
