I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
