Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
