She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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