Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
