You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
