we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
