Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
