Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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