Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
