How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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