I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
