My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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