My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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