apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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