We're like a lot better than the average bears
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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