im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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