I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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