please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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