My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
