took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
