I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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