any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
