when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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