I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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