I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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