Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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