She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
