I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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